To You.

To You,

You are not here here anymore and I have to accept this cruel facts. It is almost 2 years now and things has not been anyhow better but at least is didn't turn out worst.
You're not here to be like last time to share stories with me and to guide me through things that I am about to go through or probably what you have been through. I have too much to tell to you and I don't have any one to share stuff with and to totally understand and give a proper advise back. Probably is because we grew up together and we experience the same thing and having the same thought and obviously yours are way better than me. Having a person like you by my side I have never learn to be grateful and to depend on you much because I believe that I can be as independent as you. However, it is not like that, somewhere during the journey it is hard to be independent and I do need you. Knowing having a person like you is truly my light when I'm lost in between. For me, you're a person that knows everything because you're older than me and you experience more things than me. So by just talking to you I have learnt a lot throughout when you're still around.
I can have someone to be childish with and you would pamper me in your own way because you love me and see me as someone that still need the right guidance. Now i understand why you're being you when you're in this position where now I am having it. Things just doesn't seems right and you need to hold on to it and never give up is something i will still need a long time to learn this.
Sometimes I have a lot of thought in my mind about things around us that is happening and would really want to tell it out and you're always the person that come to my mind, but.. reality hits me hard knowing that i can't do that anymore.
Reminiscence is all I can do right now. All that valuable stuff that you left back for me doesn't seems valuable to me except the memories.
I might not be in a good spot now cause things are falling apart here right now. I really need you by my side. I really don't know how to get things back together like you do. All the expectations and pressure are on my shoulder and I feel that I am about to give up anytime soon. Can you come back instead ? I really MISS you my dear brother.

Sincerely,
The sibling that miss you dearly everyday.

Sick of Trying

     Ever felt like the whole world is bringing you down and at the same time you want to prove yourself worth it so much so badly? If yes then whoever is reading this might be able to relate him/herself to this. After so much effort of trying to prove yourself and do everything so that there will be no flaws to be pointed out by peer. It actually leads more to confusion and lost track of who you should be and you should actually react to certain incident.

     Society norms and taboos are not any rules and regulation that will send you to jail or causes you to be fined. However, it is wrong in eye of society. This all "rules" causes us to feel so afraid to do something the no one could think of or to do something that is right in our mind but the fear feeling that it will be wrong in other people's thought. It only will limit our actions and imagination that will not be executed when it doesn't get much recognition from 3rd party.

     Why am I saying this when I am saying what i said above and how does this relate to proving oneself to another? Personally I feel it does. It does when the person who you always look up as a role model is actually trying to limit your actions and imagination when he/she is applying all this indirectly to you and making you feels that what is "wrong" is "right" or the other way round. There are more than what we are doing now and it grows along with our age when we wants to explore more and more instead people is trying to lock you up in a cage and putting all the wallpaper around telling you how the world looks like.

   


   

The Dilemma

After a long break from November 2012 till now, my second semester is going to start next monday. If nothing goes wrong I would have be at year 2 sem 2 by now. Gods like to play people and I guess I am the one who got into their eyes. That is why forrest gump said that "life is like a box of chocolate, you wont know what you gonna get". It totally describes what I am feeling right at that moment.

Fews day back I am facing a huge dilemma to choose whether which course I should study. Whether to continue at my Information Technology department or shift to Business Department. I actually submitted the form to transfer department but at the second day, i end up regretting and called my friend to help me cancel it. I watched the documentary of Steve Job few years back, he went through hell lots of stuff before he got the fame he used have. At the end of the day, it is the experience and things that he has been through that come to use that helped him to be as successful as he was. That is part of the reason i changed my mind, thinking that perhaps in future i might come to use in another aspect. On the other hand, there are always another side of the story which is the quite saddening part of it, therefore i shall not say it to ruin my own mood or to even make myself hesitate more. Just follow what my instinct asked me to do that's more than enough.

That's all for tonight, Good nights ghost that is reading this.

Late but not late for new year post!

It is 2013 now and I am totally late to write something before the year ends. Well actually I did wrote something and i drafted it and went for holiday until i abandoned it. Feel bad for myself too. Quite lost my 'kick' to write blog already since so long never write anything or probably don't feel like sharing anything much throughout the year.
Let me write what I have been through this year that I can come out from my mind.
Actually nothing much to be excited or look forward this year also. More saddening than happiness incident I can say.
Went holiday to Penang this... opps sorry is last year January. Is a good start for year 2012 i believe at that moment after i came back from Melbourne for my summer holiday. Drove so many hours for the first time in my entire life. 5hours i guess. Was a good trip overall.

My brother finally graduated after 3years of studying overboard and I am very happy that he is actually starting another chapter of his life and helping out parents when I am away later on.
After that, is time for me to move on to my studies after a long break which means back to Melbourne. I was reluctant and blaming my brother for that because I am following his footstep. Our relationship became worst and not talking to each other for a period of time.
When it is the day for me to go over melbourne, before i take off he sent me a message saying sorry because he is strict to me and i will understand his intention one day later. It touched me so badly and i regretted why i did what i have done previously.
Just after 3 days i land at melbourne, I have to rush back to Malaysia. He left me silently. Just a day ago I sent him pictures of the places there and he said he missed there so badly too and just after a night he left me without saying a word.
That is the biggest impact that has ever happen to me in my entire life i could say. Now is time for me to stand up and be the eldest one that my two sister will look upon.

After withdraw school from melbourne and enrolled in Monash malaysia. A new life is about to start. Meanwhile waiting for the next semester to start on July, I spend my time working helping out my parents to rebuild the shop after it has been burnt on December 2011. Been wasting time while my other friends are already studying and finishing their studies faster than me. I might feel a bit unfortunate but i know i was being fated to walk this path, i have to just obey and walk it down and play my role as it is. Have to at least graduate from degree as it is my last promise to him and myself.

A new uni life has started, taking up new course meeting up new people not much but a few that is good to me and vice verse is enough. Never ask to be popular or well known but just quietly finish up this 3years with less obstacle is good enough for me. *and less fail of course* :P

Throughout the study period, everyone has been kind to me and being understanding to me as studies is important in order not to fail and redo/retake the subject. So, i manage not to fail and get my 'oh-so-okay' result after my finals.

Back to my routine helping out parents but have been planning holiday to bangkok with my girlfriend to go through new year together! :) quite excited about it too.... and BOOOM!! I'm back! too lazy to post about it for now. or maybe forever. hahaha!!!
that's all for Last year..

Hope to see something happy in this brand new year :)

I'm just too sick of all this, out of no where one week or two weeks then will come out with something new. Give it a break can you? Not everyone has the same time to do and play as you say. Things need to be prepared and for a person like me. don't be surprise when i don't give a fuck to it.
what's the next reason you all want to come out with?
I'm looking toward for it.
just too tired to face all this shit once in awhile and come in here like we open a charity house. fyl.

Well, I guess it is where everyone start giving up on me :)

Something that I need to get out of my mind here. Something about you again.
I thought this is about to put a full stop for everyone's sorrow but it wasn't. It makes the pain even deeper for me.
I started missing you today again just like any other day but today I have no idea why it hit me so hard.

I miss the fact that I have someone to talk to when I have no one now and knowing that you will never turn your back on me and always give me the best advise ever.Most of all, you're able to handle your own emotions better than i do when I tell you stuff.

I miss the fact that knowing you will always be there holding my hand whenever I fall and will lift me up again so that one day I will be independent.

I miss the fact that you will always be waiting for me to come back home and you will prepare dinner for me and I will do the dishes after that.

I miss the fact that you're thoughtful enough to bring me to your friends and introduce me to them so that in future they will be looking after me when you're not around.

I miss the fact that you can be very childish with me when we're playing and you can be very mature when you're teaching me stuff about life and survival.

I miss the fact that I still can call you "brada" and be like a small kid around you knowing that you will take care of the rest for me.

I miss the fact that you will reward me whenever you get your salary on Friday and bring for for a treat. You're kind enough to even spend money on me buying me such an expensive bag and meal with your hard earn money.

I miss the fact that when we quarrel you will eventually come to m position and try to talk to me because you know what kind of a person I am.

I even miss how much we have left out during that 2 1/2 years you at there and we don't have the chance to really live with each other.

There are just too much that I miss of you that I couldn't finish express it.

But today, I hate it where you always make the entire world cry for you.

I cried for you when you left home and went overseas and study.
Again I cried and mourn for you this year so much even in the car when I am driving back home today.I almost break down. Knowing our parents at home are feeling worst, I have to suck it all back in and try to let my mind think of other stuff else.
I really don't know how long more this can stand. Just today, i feel very upset and regret that I never listen to you at the first place. The message you're always trying to send to me.
You're really giving me a test for my endurance. I really don't know whether I can make it or not.
My legs aren't supporting me anymore. There are no more pillar ahead.
Why you, just why it has to be you of so many people.

The little confusion

There are this confusion within me that I couldn't even differentiate who to trust and who not to. A lot of talking have been going on and on and misunderstand one after another. The people standing in the middle shall just listen and obey to what it is. For me, I stand for what I believe, yet up to a point where my stand were vulnerable and this is the moment where I start losing what I believe or even people I believe in.
Even blood related I was being told not to fully trust, what more the non blood related ? Tell how about it, how does this works. It is not about money, not about power but just talk. Such dramatic, just like in tv series I think sometimes.

For all I can say is that sorry. Sorry to people out there and also my closest one. I don't live up your expectations. I am not trained to handle all this kind of pressure. Give me a few more time to get myself used to it. When I am being told that I am the one that was given all the expectations that there did half way, I felt like there are tons stacking up on my shoulder that I feel like putting my head into somewhere where I could see no one. I used to have a light always in front of me whenever I am lost. Now it is not there anymore and this road I have to walk it out myself. Come to think of it, it sucks and I start hating it already. I need to breathe sometimes , somewhere where I can feel myself and take control of what I should or am thinking. I really miss you but at the same time I hate you too. Why you just need give this shit life. I guess I am really just this weak. Avoiding them I guess. Where am I suppose to find this light of mine again. Screw the tears that just make me feel more vulnerable. One day when I just can't make it, I will just have to choose to leave too.

Still wondering if anyone is still reading my blog after me MIA for so long and never update anything about myself.

For those who still wondering how I am doing and how's my new life is going on and have I kick start my uni life back in Malaysia, thanks for those concern for the people who asked me when they see me.

For all I can say is that, I am shifting my attention from work to education or studies. I know I can't afford to waste time doing something but at the same time I am not doing anything. Therefore, I told myself that I can't fail or waste my time and money just like that. Even try to graduate within the course duration and that's the day where I will take my cert and show it to HIM as that's my promise to HIM.

For how's my new life? Well it has never been anyhow new lately, as old and odd as it can be. Back to the same place and doing the same routine has never been any how good. Looking at the brighter side, I am still around the people I care about :) Besides that, nothing looks pretty new for me.

At times, I would come to think that 24 hours are not enough for me in a day if I were to really spend the time sufficiently. To the end of the day, even my body would get tired and eventually want to rest earlier unlike the old me where I would drag my time all the way to late midnight. At least that's the only time where I could take my mind away from everything for a little while.

Take off all the feathers so that I could fly further or it will only make me more vulnerable?

At times, Stuff that is not obvious doesn't mean it don't exist. Is just behind the wall.

Change

How many times in life you were given a chance to grant what you want but to take back something from you. I once tried to grab the very chance I have to not do something I dislike, at the end I still chose to follow the path I was being put through. As in my age, I might complain, I might blame or I might even hold on grudges but at the end of the day I put down everything and accept it.
He used told me this, "one day, you will understand it is for your own good".

It is funny to see how it turn out to be and now my chance to grab what I always wanted to has come, but it is not in a condition that I would like to grant my wish. Turning out, it make me realize that, whatever that has happen, it happens for a reason. A friend of mine told me that, when this happen you all will either become closer to each other and if that doesn't happen the distance will grow further. I might not see how it is coming for me now but I definitely see something is changing and growing inside of me. I don't know what is is but I can feel it.

Well, another part of my life is about my coming Uni. Gotta attend my class very soon in less then 1 month time. I know it doesn't matter if I enter Uni at any age but it somehow will surely intimidates me in a few year times. Seeing people leaving and stepping into society and I am still at where I am. I will have a hint of that in a few years time or lesser I guess.

Hopefully everything goes smoothly and bless me as you can't take care me now. That's the only thing you can do best for me.

I guess I am slowly feeling what's coming ahead. Feeling the fear or losing or history repeating. Yet i can't do much. Will see what happen one another day and see which step I should take only consider the best choice to be made. The time is getting nearer. Sooner or later, things will be worst than what it is now. Shall see how I can survive with it or I shall just fall back for a moment until I can figure a way out of this.
Emotions have always been ups and DOWNS everyday. Staying at this place nothing ever goes right and feels right. It has always been like this. One day, I really can't stand this already. I fucking cant stand this already.

I know people standing by my side would want to help me so much, everything you have done I see it. I never say anything doesnt mean i dont feel it. just at times, there are stuff that i really can't face it and don't want to listen. Whatever it is, I still know whether I am still standing or I am not. At times, just need a listener when I need advise I will ask for one but I do appreciate and agree what whatever things that I have been told. This position is not what I ask for. To people beside me, I never ask for much but to just be strong for yourself if just if I am not there to presence for your feelings or to take care of it. I am lost or what I don't know. I can't see it myself. I am just walking down this road as it is. I am trying to take this incident and look for the brighter side. Sorry in advance if I really never did enough for everything or everyone. Especially you that have suffered along with me this road. I know you wanted to help me so badly, I appreciate it and i will really think of what you have told me. Like i said, every night is the same. It hits me every night before I sleep. Sorry.

I know people standing by my side would want to help me so much, everything you have done I see it. I never say anything doesnt mean i dont feel it. just at times, there are stuff that i really can't face it and don't want to listen. Whatever it is, I still know whether I am still standing or I am not. I at times, just need a listener when I need advise I will ask for one. This position is not what I ask for. To people beside me, I never ask for much but to just be strong for yourself if just if I am not there to presence for your feelings or to take care of it. I am lost or what I don't know. I can't see it myself. I am just walking down this road as it is. I am trying to take this incident and look for the brighter side. Sorry in advance if I really never did enough for everything or everyone. Especially you that have suffered along with me this road. I know you wanted to help me so badly, I appreciate it and i will be back stronger it I get over it. Like i said, every night is the same. It hits me every night before I sleep.

I always wanted to write down something out of everything that have happened to me recently in this month. Have been a very unpredictable journey yet things still need to remain still. Getting to wake up safe and sound the second day or even in a journey could be the best thing ever that I can ask already. Not to know where to start where I should saying or telling. Guess I am just lost in this maze. Not knowing where this should lead to or even know who should i refer to. It is just saddening to be in this shoe. Whatever that should come never come, and whatever that should happen never happen. Those said, life is a test itself. Being able to go through everyday is already the damn best thing already.

At times, i question myself. How could i make myself looked so cruel, too cold blooded to make it as if I have no feelings toward everything. But, whenever, I think of it back, it still hit me hard. The physical pain in the heart. Even when there are times, I couldn't resist it but I have to. Have to pretend as if I don't feel anything. Every night, I told myself i would be alright, it is the same every night. Please... Please... somebody I really feel at times I can't take this...

How many times in your life you made decisions after knowing the consequences?
I am impress how can others survive for years of separating and yet be so strong? I am still looking foward for the moment where things reunite but I doubt the feelings will be the same anymore. Knowing how much things change from the pure and innocent act to a place where it leads to misunderstand and expectations. It goes vice versa. I hear this from somewhere, whatever happens to you, there will be a pros and a cons coming after ward. What if things happen to us and it only comes with cons after cons.
It is already difficult back then and why is it happening when far apart. No one feels good and things just arent falling on the right place. Why so?
Why things always just got backfire and so scare of hurting again.
I have no idea. I just don't want to be....

At times, no is now. I feel the feeling of lost of motivation and confidence. I used to be a person that are burst with laughter and confidence whenever I go. But, recently. I find myself lost every of it. EVERY BIT of it. Why? I don't know. Too much factors that were included and keeps me thinking. thinking of if I am really that capable to be the person i was meant to be or to be this is the real me. Who knows? None. Not even myself. Whatever had happened, will not be turn back time. Whatever I have implement on mind, it will stay there. Where my boundary are, how far I can think is out of my imagination.
However, for now, i lost every spirit to continue fighting, to continue to move foward. I guess I really need sometime for myself to really think what I want.
The self esteem I used to have, has now far gone beyond I can hold.

Looks like light from heaven for me. This is the scenery from my apartment around evening.
It caught my attention today so I decided to take a photo of it.

( :

Got something new for me to chew and bite and to eat when I am stressing over something. They fly all the way from Malaysia to here and thanks to my girlfriend I have my favourite chocolates here with me.

The CHOCOLATES. *YUMMZZ*

Not to forget the most lovely spongebob alarm clock. :)

All thanks to her :)