For all I can say is that sorry. Sorry to people out there and also my closest one. I don't live up your expectations. I am not trained to handle all this kind of pressure. Give me a few more time to get myself used to it. When I am being told that I am the one that was given all the expectations that there did half way, I felt like there are tons stacking up on my shoulder that I feel like putting my head into somewhere where I could see no one. I used to have a light always in front of me whenever I am lost. Now it is not there anymore and this road I have to walk it out myself. Come to think of it, it sucks and I start hating it already. I need to breathe sometimes , somewhere where I can feel myself and take control of what I should or am thinking. I really miss you but at the same time I hate you too. Why you just need give this shit life. I guess I am really just this weak. Avoiding them I guess. Where am I suppose to find this light of mine again. Screw the tears that just make me feel more vulnerable. One day when I just can't make it, I will just have to choose to leave too.

Still wondering if anyone is still reading my blog after me MIA for so long and never update anything about myself.

For those who still wondering how I am doing and how's my new life is going on and have I kick start my uni life back in Malaysia, thanks for those concern for the people who asked me when they see me.

For all I can say is that, I am shifting my attention from work to education or studies. I know I can't afford to waste time doing something but at the same time I am not doing anything. Therefore, I told myself that I can't fail or waste my time and money just like that. Even try to graduate within the course duration and that's the day where I will take my cert and show it to HIM as that's my promise to HIM.

For how's my new life? Well it has never been anyhow new lately, as old and odd as it can be. Back to the same place and doing the same routine has never been any how good. Looking at the brighter side, I am still around the people I care about :) Besides that, nothing looks pretty new for me.

At times, I would come to think that 24 hours are not enough for me in a day if I were to really spend the time sufficiently. To the end of the day, even my body would get tired and eventually want to rest earlier unlike the old me where I would drag my time all the way to late midnight. At least that's the only time where I could take my mind away from everything for a little while.

Take off all the feathers so that I could fly further or it will only make me more vulnerable?

At times, Stuff that is not obvious doesn't mean it don't exist. Is just behind the wall.

Change

How many times in life you were given a chance to grant what you want but to take back something from you. I once tried to grab the very chance I have to not do something I dislike, at the end I still chose to follow the path I was being put through. As in my age, I might complain, I might blame or I might even hold on grudges but at the end of the day I put down everything and accept it.
He used told me this, "one day, you will understand it is for your own good".

It is funny to see how it turn out to be and now my chance to grab what I always wanted to has come, but it is not in a condition that I would like to grant my wish. Turning out, it make me realize that, whatever that has happen, it happens for a reason. A friend of mine told me that, when this happen you all will either become closer to each other and if that doesn't happen the distance will grow further. I might not see how it is coming for me now but I definitely see something is changing and growing inside of me. I don't know what is is but I can feel it.

Well, another part of my life is about my coming Uni. Gotta attend my class very soon in less then 1 month time. I know it doesn't matter if I enter Uni at any age but it somehow will surely intimidates me in a few year times. Seeing people leaving and stepping into society and I am still at where I am. I will have a hint of that in a few years time or lesser I guess.

Hopefully everything goes smoothly and bless me as you can't take care me now. That's the only thing you can do best for me.

I guess I am slowly feeling what's coming ahead. Feeling the fear or losing or history repeating. Yet i can't do much. Will see what happen one another day and see which step I should take only consider the best choice to be made. The time is getting nearer. Sooner or later, things will be worst than what it is now. Shall see how I can survive with it or I shall just fall back for a moment until I can figure a way out of this.
Emotions have always been ups and DOWNS everyday. Staying at this place nothing ever goes right and feels right. It has always been like this. One day, I really can't stand this already. I fucking cant stand this already.

I know people standing by my side would want to help me so much, everything you have done I see it. I never say anything doesnt mean i dont feel it. just at times, there are stuff that i really can't face it and don't want to listen. Whatever it is, I still know whether I am still standing or I am not. At times, just need a listener when I need advise I will ask for one but I do appreciate and agree what whatever things that I have been told. This position is not what I ask for. To people beside me, I never ask for much but to just be strong for yourself if just if I am not there to presence for your feelings or to take care of it. I am lost or what I don't know. I can't see it myself. I am just walking down this road as it is. I am trying to take this incident and look for the brighter side. Sorry in advance if I really never did enough for everything or everyone. Especially you that have suffered along with me this road. I know you wanted to help me so badly, I appreciate it and i will really think of what you have told me. Like i said, every night is the same. It hits me every night before I sleep. Sorry.

I know people standing by my side would want to help me so much, everything you have done I see it. I never say anything doesnt mean i dont feel it. just at times, there are stuff that i really can't face it and don't want to listen. Whatever it is, I still know whether I am still standing or I am not. I at times, just need a listener when I need advise I will ask for one. This position is not what I ask for. To people beside me, I never ask for much but to just be strong for yourself if just if I am not there to presence for your feelings or to take care of it. I am lost or what I don't know. I can't see it myself. I am just walking down this road as it is. I am trying to take this incident and look for the brighter side. Sorry in advance if I really never did enough for everything or everyone. Especially you that have suffered along with me this road. I know you wanted to help me so badly, I appreciate it and i will be back stronger it I get over it. Like i said, every night is the same. It hits me every night before I sleep.