At times, Stuff that is not obvious doesn't mean it don't exist. Is just behind the wall.

Change

How many times in life you were given a chance to grant what you want but to take back something from you. I once tried to grab the very chance I have to not do something I dislike, at the end I still chose to follow the path I was being put through. As in my age, I might complain, I might blame or I might even hold on grudges but at the end of the day I put down everything and accept it.
He used told me this, "one day, you will understand it is for your own good".

It is funny to see how it turn out to be and now my chance to grab what I always wanted to has come, but it is not in a condition that I would like to grant my wish. Turning out, it make me realize that, whatever that has happen, it happens for a reason. A friend of mine told me that, when this happen you all will either become closer to each other and if that doesn't happen the distance will grow further. I might not see how it is coming for me now but I definitely see something is changing and growing inside of me. I don't know what is is but I can feel it.

Well, another part of my life is about my coming Uni. Gotta attend my class very soon in less then 1 month time. I know it doesn't matter if I enter Uni at any age but it somehow will surely intimidates me in a few year times. Seeing people leaving and stepping into society and I am still at where I am. I will have a hint of that in a few years time or lesser I guess.

Hopefully everything goes smoothly and bless me as you can't take care me now. That's the only thing you can do best for me.

I guess I am slowly feeling what's coming ahead. Feeling the fear or losing or history repeating. Yet i can't do much. Will see what happen one another day and see which step I should take only consider the best choice to be made. The time is getting nearer. Sooner or later, things will be worst than what it is now. Shall see how I can survive with it or I shall just fall back for a moment until I can figure a way out of this.
Emotions have always been ups and DOWNS everyday. Staying at this place nothing ever goes right and feels right. It has always been like this. One day, I really can't stand this already. I fucking cant stand this already.

I know people standing by my side would want to help me so much, everything you have done I see it. I never say anything doesnt mean i dont feel it. just at times, there are stuff that i really can't face it and don't want to listen. Whatever it is, I still know whether I am still standing or I am not. At times, just need a listener when I need advise I will ask for one but I do appreciate and agree what whatever things that I have been told. This position is not what I ask for. To people beside me, I never ask for much but to just be strong for yourself if just if I am not there to presence for your feelings or to take care of it. I am lost or what I don't know. I can't see it myself. I am just walking down this road as it is. I am trying to take this incident and look for the brighter side. Sorry in advance if I really never did enough for everything or everyone. Especially you that have suffered along with me this road. I know you wanted to help me so badly, I appreciate it and i will really think of what you have told me. Like i said, every night is the same. It hits me every night before I sleep. Sorry.

I know people standing by my side would want to help me so much, everything you have done I see it. I never say anything doesnt mean i dont feel it. just at times, there are stuff that i really can't face it and don't want to listen. Whatever it is, I still know whether I am still standing or I am not. I at times, just need a listener when I need advise I will ask for one. This position is not what I ask for. To people beside me, I never ask for much but to just be strong for yourself if just if I am not there to presence for your feelings or to take care of it. I am lost or what I don't know. I can't see it myself. I am just walking down this road as it is. I am trying to take this incident and look for the brighter side. Sorry in advance if I really never did enough for everything or everyone. Especially you that have suffered along with me this road. I know you wanted to help me so badly, I appreciate it and i will be back stronger it I get over it. Like i said, every night is the same. It hits me every night before I sleep.

I always wanted to write down something out of everything that have happened to me recently in this month. Have been a very unpredictable journey yet things still need to remain still. Getting to wake up safe and sound the second day or even in a journey could be the best thing ever that I can ask already. Not to know where to start where I should saying or telling. Guess I am just lost in this maze. Not knowing where this should lead to or even know who should i refer to. It is just saddening to be in this shoe. Whatever that should come never come, and whatever that should happen never happen. Those said, life is a test itself. Being able to go through everyday is already the damn best thing already.

At times, i question myself. How could i make myself looked so cruel, too cold blooded to make it as if I have no feelings toward everything. But, whenever, I think of it back, it still hit me hard. The physical pain in the heart. Even when there are times, I couldn't resist it but I have to. Have to pretend as if I don't feel anything. Every night, I told myself i would be alright, it is the same every night. Please... Please... somebody I really feel at times I can't take this...

How many times in your life you made decisions after knowing the consequences?
I am impress how can others survive for years of separating and yet be so strong? I am still looking foward for the moment where things reunite but I doubt the feelings will be the same anymore. Knowing how much things change from the pure and innocent act to a place where it leads to misunderstand and expectations. It goes vice versa. I hear this from somewhere, whatever happens to you, there will be a pros and a cons coming after ward. What if things happen to us and it only comes with cons after cons.
It is already difficult back then and why is it happening when far apart. No one feels good and things just arent falling on the right place. Why so?
Why things always just got backfire and so scare of hurting again.
I have no idea. I just don't want to be....