Something that I need to get out of my mind here. Something about you again.
I thought this is about to put a full stop for everyone's sorrow but it wasn't. It makes the pain even deeper for me.
I started missing you today again just like any other day but today I have no idea why it hit me so hard.

I miss the fact that I have someone to talk to when I have no one now and knowing that you will never turn your back on me and always give me the best advise ever.Most of all, you're able to handle your own emotions better than i do when I tell you stuff.

I miss the fact that knowing you will always be there holding my hand whenever I fall and will lift me up again so that one day I will be independent.

I miss the fact that you will always be waiting for me to come back home and you will prepare dinner for me and I will do the dishes after that.

I miss the fact that you're thoughtful enough to bring me to your friends and introduce me to them so that in future they will be looking after me when you're not around.

I miss the fact that you can be very childish with me when we're playing and you can be very mature when you're teaching me stuff about life and survival.

I miss the fact that I still can call you "brada" and be like a small kid around you knowing that you will take care of the rest for me.

I miss the fact that you will reward me whenever you get your salary on Friday and bring for for a treat. You're kind enough to even spend money on me buying me such an expensive bag and meal with your hard earn money.

I miss the fact that when we quarrel you will eventually come to m position and try to talk to me because you know what kind of a person I am.

I even miss how much we have left out during that 2 1/2 years you at there and we don't have the chance to really live with each other.

There are just too much that I miss of you that I couldn't finish express it.

But today, I hate it where you always make the entire world cry for you.

I cried for you when you left home and went overseas and study.
Again I cried and mourn for you this year so much even in the car when I am driving back home today.I almost break down. Knowing our parents at home are feeling worst, I have to suck it all back in and try to let my mind think of other stuff else.
I really don't know how long more this can stand. Just today, i feel very upset and regret that I never listen to you at the first place. The message you're always trying to send to me.
You're really giving me a test for my endurance. I really don't know whether I can make it or not.
My legs aren't supporting me anymore. There are no more pillar ahead.
Why you, just why it has to be you of so many people.

The little confusion

There are this confusion within me that I couldn't even differentiate who to trust and who not to. A lot of talking have been going on and on and misunderstand one after another. The people standing in the middle shall just listen and obey to what it is. For me, I stand for what I believe, yet up to a point where my stand were vulnerable and this is the moment where I start losing what I believe or even people I believe in.
Even blood related I was being told not to fully trust, what more the non blood related ? Tell how about it, how does this works. It is not about money, not about power but just talk. Such dramatic, just like in tv series I think sometimes.

For all I can say is that sorry. Sorry to people out there and also my closest one. I don't live up your expectations. I am not trained to handle all this kind of pressure. Give me a few more time to get myself used to it. When I am being told that I am the one that was given all the expectations that there did half way, I felt like there are tons stacking up on my shoulder that I feel like putting my head into somewhere where I could see no one. I used to have a light always in front of me whenever I am lost. Now it is not there anymore and this road I have to walk it out myself. Come to think of it, it sucks and I start hating it already. I need to breathe sometimes , somewhere where I can feel myself and take control of what I should or am thinking. I really miss you but at the same time I hate you too. Why you just need give this shit life. I guess I am really just this weak. Avoiding them I guess. Where am I suppose to find this light of mine again. Screw the tears that just make me feel more vulnerable. One day when I just can't make it, I will just have to choose to leave too.

Still wondering if anyone is still reading my blog after me MIA for so long and never update anything about myself.

For those who still wondering how I am doing and how's my new life is going on and have I kick start my uni life back in Malaysia, thanks for those concern for the people who asked me when they see me.

For all I can say is that, I am shifting my attention from work to education or studies. I know I can't afford to waste time doing something but at the same time I am not doing anything. Therefore, I told myself that I can't fail or waste my time and money just like that. Even try to graduate within the course duration and that's the day where I will take my cert and show it to HIM as that's my promise to HIM.

For how's my new life? Well it has never been anyhow new lately, as old and odd as it can be. Back to the same place and doing the same routine has never been any how good. Looking at the brighter side, I am still around the people I care about :) Besides that, nothing looks pretty new for me.

At times, I would come to think that 24 hours are not enough for me in a day if I were to really spend the time sufficiently. To the end of the day, even my body would get tired and eventually want to rest earlier unlike the old me where I would drag my time all the way to late midnight. At least that's the only time where I could take my mind away from everything for a little while.

Take off all the feathers so that I could fly further or it will only make me more vulnerable?

At times, Stuff that is not obvious doesn't mean it don't exist. Is just behind the wall.

Change

How many times in life you were given a chance to grant what you want but to take back something from you. I once tried to grab the very chance I have to not do something I dislike, at the end I still chose to follow the path I was being put through. As in my age, I might complain, I might blame or I might even hold on grudges but at the end of the day I put down everything and accept it.
He used told me this, "one day, you will understand it is for your own good".

It is funny to see how it turn out to be and now my chance to grab what I always wanted to has come, but it is not in a condition that I would like to grant my wish. Turning out, it make me realize that, whatever that has happen, it happens for a reason. A friend of mine told me that, when this happen you all will either become closer to each other and if that doesn't happen the distance will grow further. I might not see how it is coming for me now but I definitely see something is changing and growing inside of me. I don't know what is is but I can feel it.

Well, another part of my life is about my coming Uni. Gotta attend my class very soon in less then 1 month time. I know it doesn't matter if I enter Uni at any age but it somehow will surely intimidates me in a few year times. Seeing people leaving and stepping into society and I am still at where I am. I will have a hint of that in a few years time or lesser I guess.

Hopefully everything goes smoothly and bless me as you can't take care me now. That's the only thing you can do best for me.

I guess I am slowly feeling what's coming ahead. Feeling the fear or losing or history repeating. Yet i can't do much. Will see what happen one another day and see which step I should take only consider the best choice to be made. The time is getting nearer. Sooner or later, things will be worst than what it is now. Shall see how I can survive with it or I shall just fall back for a moment until I can figure a way out of this.
Emotions have always been ups and DOWNS everyday. Staying at this place nothing ever goes right and feels right. It has always been like this. One day, I really can't stand this already. I fucking cant stand this already.