To You.

To You,

You are not here here anymore and I have to accept this cruel facts. It is almost 2 years now and things has not been anyhow better but at least is didn't turn out worst.
You're not here to be like last time to share stories with me and to guide me through things that I am about to go through or probably what you have been through. I have too much to tell to you and I don't have any one to share stuff with and to totally understand and give a proper advise back. Probably is because we grew up together and we experience the same thing and having the same thought and obviously yours are way better than me. Having a person like you by my side I have never learn to be grateful and to depend on you much because I believe that I can be as independent as you. However, it is not like that, somewhere during the journey it is hard to be independent and I do need you. Knowing having a person like you is truly my light when I'm lost in between. For me, you're a person that knows everything because you're older than me and you experience more things than me. So by just talking to you I have learnt a lot throughout when you're still around.
I can have someone to be childish with and you would pamper me in your own way because you love me and see me as someone that still need the right guidance. Now i understand why you're being you when you're in this position where now I am having it. Things just doesn't seems right and you need to hold on to it and never give up is something i will still need a long time to learn this.
Sometimes I have a lot of thought in my mind about things around us that is happening and would really want to tell it out and you're always the person that come to my mind, but.. reality hits me hard knowing that i can't do that anymore.
Reminiscence is all I can do right now. All that valuable stuff that you left back for me doesn't seems valuable to me except the memories.
I might not be in a good spot now cause things are falling apart here right now. I really need you by my side. I really don't know how to get things back together like you do. All the expectations and pressure are on my shoulder and I feel that I am about to give up anytime soon. Can you come back instead ? I really MISS you my dear brother.

Sincerely,
The sibling that miss you dearly everyday.

Sick of Trying

     Ever felt like the whole world is bringing you down and at the same time you want to prove yourself worth it so much so badly? If yes then whoever is reading this might be able to relate him/herself to this. After so much effort of trying to prove yourself and do everything so that there will be no flaws to be pointed out by peer. It actually leads more to confusion and lost track of who you should be and you should actually react to certain incident.

     Society norms and taboos are not any rules and regulation that will send you to jail or causes you to be fined. However, it is wrong in eye of society. This all "rules" causes us to feel so afraid to do something the no one could think of or to do something that is right in our mind but the fear feeling that it will be wrong in other people's thought. It only will limit our actions and imagination that will not be executed when it doesn't get much recognition from 3rd party.

     Why am I saying this when I am saying what i said above and how does this relate to proving oneself to another? Personally I feel it does. It does when the person who you always look up as a role model is actually trying to limit your actions and imagination when he/she is applying all this indirectly to you and making you feels that what is "wrong" is "right" or the other way round. There are more than what we are doing now and it grows along with our age when we wants to explore more and more instead people is trying to lock you up in a cage and putting all the wallpaper around telling you how the world looks like.

   


   

The Dilemma

After a long break from November 2012 till now, my second semester is going to start next monday. If nothing goes wrong I would have be at year 2 sem 2 by now. Gods like to play people and I guess I am the one who got into their eyes. That is why forrest gump said that "life is like a box of chocolate, you wont know what you gonna get". It totally describes what I am feeling right at that moment.

Fews day back I am facing a huge dilemma to choose whether which course I should study. Whether to continue at my Information Technology department or shift to Business Department. I actually submitted the form to transfer department but at the second day, i end up regretting and called my friend to help me cancel it. I watched the documentary of Steve Job few years back, he went through hell lots of stuff before he got the fame he used have. At the end of the day, it is the experience and things that he has been through that come to use that helped him to be as successful as he was. That is part of the reason i changed my mind, thinking that perhaps in future i might come to use in another aspect. On the other hand, there are always another side of the story which is the quite saddening part of it, therefore i shall not say it to ruin my own mood or to even make myself hesitate more. Just follow what my instinct asked me to do that's more than enough.

That's all for tonight, Good nights ghost that is reading this.

Late but not late for new year post!

It is 2013 now and I am totally late to write something before the year ends. Well actually I did wrote something and i drafted it and went for holiday until i abandoned it. Feel bad for myself too. Quite lost my 'kick' to write blog already since so long never write anything or probably don't feel like sharing anything much throughout the year.
Let me write what I have been through this year that I can come out from my mind.
Actually nothing much to be excited or look forward this year also. More saddening than happiness incident I can say.
Went holiday to Penang this... opps sorry is last year January. Is a good start for year 2012 i believe at that moment after i came back from Melbourne for my summer holiday. Drove so many hours for the first time in my entire life. 5hours i guess. Was a good trip overall.

My brother finally graduated after 3years of studying overboard and I am very happy that he is actually starting another chapter of his life and helping out parents when I am away later on.
After that, is time for me to move on to my studies after a long break which means back to Melbourne. I was reluctant and blaming my brother for that because I am following his footstep. Our relationship became worst and not talking to each other for a period of time.
When it is the day for me to go over melbourne, before i take off he sent me a message saying sorry because he is strict to me and i will understand his intention one day later. It touched me so badly and i regretted why i did what i have done previously.
Just after 3 days i land at melbourne, I have to rush back to Malaysia. He left me silently. Just a day ago I sent him pictures of the places there and he said he missed there so badly too and just after a night he left me without saying a word.
That is the biggest impact that has ever happen to me in my entire life i could say. Now is time for me to stand up and be the eldest one that my two sister will look upon.

After withdraw school from melbourne and enrolled in Monash malaysia. A new life is about to start. Meanwhile waiting for the next semester to start on July, I spend my time working helping out my parents to rebuild the shop after it has been burnt on December 2011. Been wasting time while my other friends are already studying and finishing their studies faster than me. I might feel a bit unfortunate but i know i was being fated to walk this path, i have to just obey and walk it down and play my role as it is. Have to at least graduate from degree as it is my last promise to him and myself.

A new uni life has started, taking up new course meeting up new people not much but a few that is good to me and vice verse is enough. Never ask to be popular or well known but just quietly finish up this 3years with less obstacle is good enough for me. *and less fail of course* :P

Throughout the study period, everyone has been kind to me and being understanding to me as studies is important in order not to fail and redo/retake the subject. So, i manage not to fail and get my 'oh-so-okay' result after my finals.

Back to my routine helping out parents but have been planning holiday to bangkok with my girlfriend to go through new year together! :) quite excited about it too.... and BOOOM!! I'm back! too lazy to post about it for now. or maybe forever. hahaha!!!
that's all for Last year..

Hope to see something happy in this brand new year :)

I'm just too sick of all this, out of no where one week or two weeks then will come out with something new. Give it a break can you? Not everyone has the same time to do and play as you say. Things need to be prepared and for a person like me. don't be surprise when i don't give a fuck to it.
what's the next reason you all want to come out with?
I'm looking toward for it.
just too tired to face all this shit once in awhile and come in here like we open a charity house. fyl.

Well, I guess it is where everyone start giving up on me :)

Something that I need to get out of my mind here. Something about you again.
I thought this is about to put a full stop for everyone's sorrow but it wasn't. It makes the pain even deeper for me.
I started missing you today again just like any other day but today I have no idea why it hit me so hard.

I miss the fact that I have someone to talk to when I have no one now and knowing that you will never turn your back on me and always give me the best advise ever.Most of all, you're able to handle your own emotions better than i do when I tell you stuff.

I miss the fact that knowing you will always be there holding my hand whenever I fall and will lift me up again so that one day I will be independent.

I miss the fact that you will always be waiting for me to come back home and you will prepare dinner for me and I will do the dishes after that.

I miss the fact that you're thoughtful enough to bring me to your friends and introduce me to them so that in future they will be looking after me when you're not around.

I miss the fact that you can be very childish with me when we're playing and you can be very mature when you're teaching me stuff about life and survival.

I miss the fact that I still can call you "brada" and be like a small kid around you knowing that you will take care of the rest for me.

I miss the fact that you will reward me whenever you get your salary on Friday and bring for for a treat. You're kind enough to even spend money on me buying me such an expensive bag and meal with your hard earn money.

I miss the fact that when we quarrel you will eventually come to m position and try to talk to me because you know what kind of a person I am.

I even miss how much we have left out during that 2 1/2 years you at there and we don't have the chance to really live with each other.

There are just too much that I miss of you that I couldn't finish express it.

But today, I hate it where you always make the entire world cry for you.

I cried for you when you left home and went overseas and study.
Again I cried and mourn for you this year so much even in the car when I am driving back home today.I almost break down. Knowing our parents at home are feeling worst, I have to suck it all back in and try to let my mind think of other stuff else.
I really don't know how long more this can stand. Just today, i feel very upset and regret that I never listen to you at the first place. The message you're always trying to send to me.
You're really giving me a test for my endurance. I really don't know whether I can make it or not.
My legs aren't supporting me anymore. There are no more pillar ahead.
Why you, just why it has to be you of so many people.